Today I tried something completely out of the ordinary (for me). About a month ago Groupon featured one of their deals that caught my eye. It was an anti-cellulite treatment. They claim, “The heated body wrap sheathes clients in an herbal solution that hydrates skin while helping reduce inches and break down stubborn cellulite. Detoxifying properties aim to flush toxins and impurities from the underlying tissue as clients burn up to 1,200 calories during the 60-minute sessions.” Sound like BS? Um, yeah, kinda, but was I interested? Totally.
I’ve been having some issues with how I look lately. Meaning; I don’t look the way I did 5 years ago and it kinda sucks. I asked a friend, “what do you think of this?” and she replied, “It’s just water, it will come right back.” I thought the same but wondered how quickly would it be back? Like, if I did it the day before my trip to Florida, would it last for at least the week I had to don a bathing suit? I asked another friend and she said, “It doesn’t look like it could hurt you. It’s not expensive. Why not try it?” I clicked, “buy now.”
I went to my treatment this morning. All the way there I knew it was total BS but I kept believing. How could they sell this over and over if it doesn’t work? Not even a little?
I entered the Chiropractic office in Setauket and was greeted with a smile. I was brought into the treatment room and asked to disrobe to my underwear. The specialist, Angie, measured me and wrote down every unpleasant inch of mine on her chart. She asked if I was skeptical and laughed but said she would show me later how it had worked. Then she put a very special detoxifier on my skin. It was meant to open up the pores and get them ready for the medical grade niacin formula. Niacin, Angie said, was what got into the fat cells and broke them down without losing precious water that is needed in my system. She also wondered if my problem may be hormonal in nature and would leave hormone-balancing supplements at the desk for me when I left.
She applied the niacin cream. Then she held the wrapping—she admitted it looked like Saran Wrap but it wasn’t. See, it has more elasticity. She began to wrap me up like a bad premade deli sandwich or bagel from the coffee truck. As she wrapped she said, “So what are your goals?” I looked at her and raised my eyebrows. Seriously? What did she THINK were my goals? I’m standing here, in my underwear, allowing you to slather me with niacin cream and wrap me in saran wrap under the promise of losing inches. I think we both know what I want.
I told her I was freezing. She said the niacin cream would soon warm up and I would be complaining about being too warm. I looked forward to that.
She finished wrapping me and instructed to lie on the table. I couldn’t bend anywhere and just sort of tipped over and fell on the table. I said again, “I’m so cold.” and she said, “Aww.. I know, this room isn’t really heating up.” I looked around and waited for her to drape me with a warm and cozy blanket—like they do at any spa, or even for surgery. But, no blankie.
She said, “Now I will leave you to relax for a while. It will be about 20 minutes. I’d like you to close your eyes though.” She put special glasses on me that had pulsating lights and headphones on for something for me to listen to while I waited. I assumed soft and quiet music. I was half right. Soon an annoying man’s voice came on telling me to relax, to let the cares of the day slip away. I no longer would want to eat unhealthy foods. Food would not control me. (FYI: I don’t really have a problem with food. I am getting old and things have shifted and I don’t look so great in a swimsuit. Oh! And I’m lazy and don’t want to work out.) A few seconds passes and I remove the glasses. While annoying man number one talks, another voice in the background is telling me that I would soon crave water. Water would be what I wanted all the time. Water good. Yum. Water.
What the hell? Were they trying to hypnotize me?
I took the headphones off and watched the clock instead. On a side note, if you ever want to hold someone hostage forget the duct tape -- Saran Wrap.
She came back in 25 minutes and was startled to see I had not followed directions. Her eyes were wide—I had looked behind the curtain. I said, “Listen, the guy was annoying. I never let my father tell me what to do, my brothers, or my husband. I wasn’t about to start listening to a man now.”
She cut the mummy wrapping off me and I hoped so much that I was now svelte. They claim that the average customer (patient? sucker?) loses 5 inches. I lost none. Nothing. Zip. My jeans are still making me dizzy from lack of oxygen.
I skipped purchasing the hormonal balancing supplements. The wrap had not worked and I thought my doctor should be consulted about the supplements first. Also? They were $50. The receptionist’s argument to my, “50? That’s a lot.. I’ll wait” was, “It’s a big bottle though.” I think I remember her from my old argumentation & debate class at Clarkson.
So I skipped scheduling my second appointment since I see no visible results at all. I mean, I could probably get better results slathering Preparation H all over my body. Actually, that’s not a bad idea.
I am super thirsty though and think I’ll have some more water….