Past Tense

I recently asked my husband to stop at the CVS and pick up some body lotion for me.  Not just any body lotion; Nivea Fat Ass lotion.  It's not actually called that but it may as well be.  It's a gel that is claiming to get rid of cellulite.  I posted on my facebook page asking if it was true and got a lot of positive responses.  We have been having warm weather (finally) and I had a chance to see the legs that have been hiding under thick denim for several months.  I figured I should get on the stuff pronto. 

My husband, Thor, is a pretty good sport and has shopped for MUCH more embarrassing things.  I'm sure you're thinking tampons but actually, he once found himself in the nursing bra section of the store asking my mother if he should buy me the underwire bra or regular.  Some fat ass lotion wasn't really such a bad request (and there were fringe benefits for him--my ass being less fat for example).

He called me on his cell from the store and sounded a lot like when he's unsure about the right sized diaper to buy.  He asked, "Ok, I see the Nivea section. Do you want the patches?"

I thought about it for a second.  Could it be worse than I've imagined?  Do I require more than just a lotion?  Do I need... a patch?  I said, "a patch?  no, it's just lotion." 

"Well, they have this other stuff with patches and a pill you can take..." I stopped him there so I wouldn't have to kill him later.  I said, "Uhh.. it's not quite that dire yet.  Just get me the gel."

Well, I started using the gel.  The instructions say twice a day but I've been using it once a day because.. c'mon.  It's me.  However, it's been a week and I really don't feel or look any different.  In fact, this morning I went to put on my board shorts from last year and nearly gave myself a concussion when my hands snapped from the stuck waist band as if to say, "we ain't goin' any further.. find another swim suit to wear."  So I did the walk of shame back to the dresser, dug deep into the bottom drawer, and found an old stretched out swim suit to shove myself into.  So maybe it's time to actually use the gel twice a day? 

Tonight we sat on our new patio and let the kids light up sparklers and run around in the dark while we talked with our neighbor.  She asked about how we, Thor and I, had met.  We've been married a wicked long time--and I enjoy listening to my husband stumble through that story with people.  He went on to say how he had been shocked at my attention towards him and she was surprised.  He said, "You don't understand.  Back then... she was something else..."  and I stopped him.  "Umm... Back THEN?"  Instead of saying, "No, no, you're still gorgeous.." He said, "Well, really, back then you were it..."  I asked again, "Back THEN?" 

He didn't see what I was asking... maybe it was the wine he had with dinner, or maybe he spent too much time in the sun on the beach today, or maybe he fell and hit his head at some point and I didn't notice, or maybe, just maybe, I need to skip the ice cream tonight and invest in some patches.